Shine Bright Like a Diamond

I spent too much of my life dimming my light. No More! Time to let it shine.

When I was little I had a saying that I used all the time, “Never Underestimate the Power of a Kid.” I think the person I said it to the most was my Mom. I yearned for adults to listen to me. I had knowledge and wisdom and I could see what they were sometimes blind to, yet because I was a kid my voice was hushed, not welcomed, or heard but washed away as easily as sand to the ocean.

I feel like I have had a protective hand over my life and when I was little I must have known it without knowing it, you know? When my Mom had to drive anywhere at night, I would go with her. It wasn’t because I wanted to go, because sometimes I really didn’t want to, but if I was in the car I would keep her safe. I never got the feeling that my Mom was keeping me safe when I was little. I was keeping her safe.

By the time I was thirteen I was almost a mute. I would speak to answer a question, but that’s about it. I spent most of my time at a horse barn. I rode my horse for about an hour either during a lesson or practicing. I showed my horse under the ‘hunter’ division which is a style of horse jumping but it isn’t judged on the speed and height of jumps, it is lower 3ft 6inch jumps but your equitation, look of you and the horse together, and perfection is judged. When I wasn’t riding I was helping muck out stalls, or helping to feed the horses. I watched other people’s lessons. I grew quite a lot in both height and ability, and it came time, my trainer Lisa said, to upgrade to a new horse. I just got my new horse Max, and then I got sick.

I spent the next year sleeping. I was so exhausted that trying to lift my arms and body to have a shower was torture. My favourite thing to do then was read, but my eyes were also too tired and it frustrated me so much that I could not read for long without needing to sleep again. At that time, my dog Webb, and at times my cats, brought me the only comfort because they use to cuddle up into bed with me and Webb did not leave my side. He was my first angel. That was my first dance with the devil. I could have succumbed to my illness and passed away then. I remember thinking about it. I wasn’t sure which way I wanted to go. My life at the barn was all I had, and I could not even go there anymore. I felt unloved by my parents and family. I remember the call I had inside, which was I needed to survive this time for my future. It was the strongest. So I made the decision to fight. That night I called my friend Trenna and asked her to pick me up the next day on her way to the barn.

That first day, all that I could do was exist. They propped me up at the picnic table and although they carried on like normal, after the initial happy I was there visit, someone would occasionally stop and tell me that I looked very white, was I ok? No, I was not ok! I was fighting for my life. The only way that I was going to get better though, was to be in the environment I loved feeling what it was that I wanted to get better for. If I had stayed in bed I surely would have died. Day by day I continued. It felt like agony. Just being awake for so long and sitting up was painful! I kept going. And…. I started to get better.

I got better than I was but I was a new version of myself. I could write a whole book on why I say that and how this experience led me to Melbourne, Australia. How I’ve lived my life in Australia since, and that now it has been for the past twenty-eight years. I could talk about what it was like to be a nineteen year old girl finding her way in a foreign country and the amount of people who would take advantage of me. How I walked through the valley of death and the dark night of my soul. How I fought my demons, and merged with my shadow. I could write about the people in my life who continue to try to keep me small.

But friends, remember how I said earlier that my calling was to keep me alive for my future? That time has finally come. The awakening. I know who the fuck I am now. I have been through the fire and baby, I am strong. I am fierce. Yet, I am soft and compassionate. I am love.

Do you want me to write that book?